Friday, May 16, 2003 :::
I am dreading sleep. I am dreading everything. Do you ever feel doomed. Like no matter what you do its all going to go wrong. I feel like that all the time. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why am I like this. What makes me so sure that bad things are always just around the corner?
I don't want to be this person. When the doorbell rings my fight or flight response kicks in and my adrenaline starts pumping and then my heart speeds up. All because of a doorbell!
I once went to a psychic that said the reason I'm always waiting for bad things to happen is because they've happened to me in past lives. She says I came home one day and my house and my whole family were gone. I could see how that could set a person on edge. So i want to believe her because at least it makes more sense that I am reacting to some real event as opposed to being just plain scared all the time!
I've gotten better at functioning over the years but I have days where I cannot bring myself to answer a ringing phone . Yup ringing phones set off my adrenaline too. The psychic didn't tell me what disaster was associated with the phone.
About the psychic. I want to believe in all that stuff. With all my heart I want to believe it. I lost my Grandmother last year. She helped my mother raise me. We have a very small family. It was just the three of us. I'm married now but there is something about the family that raised you that is different then the partner you choose for yourself. Any way back to why I want to believe. My Grandmother was the only person in the world who I felt like I could count on no matter what. And now I feel very alone. I have a few very good friends and a wonderful husband and my mother and of course my family of cats and dogs but there is no one in this world for me like she was .
And so I hope that psychics are right. Because I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing her again.
Maybe thats why I always feel doomed.
::: posted by michele-lee at 12:34 AM
Thursday, May 15, 2003 :::
SO my @#%*#$@% car wouldn't start today. It bugs me that whenever I'm feeling even the slightest bit overwhelmed , the universe decided to see which straw will break the camels back
I go out this morning turn the key and NOTHING.
I call triple a and they come and say oh no thats not the battery we'll have to tow you. So they tow me a long way from home and it starts to HAIL. What is this. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere and in the middle of may we get a hailstorm with balls the size of superballs.
I was one unhappy camper!
But I'm home now. and mostly dry. I'm still freezing. There is something unnatural about ice falling out of the sky in the middle of may .
At least the gods decided to stop teasing me and they made the repair be relatively affordable. Though I'm not sure how much money to throw at a car with 210000 miles on it. And you know that on the day i pay for a >1000 repair, that will be the day the car stops functioning altogether.
i'm still having withdrawal pangs from Dawson's Creek. how sad.
::: posted by michele-lee at 6:09 PM
Ok. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'm heartbroken that Dawson's Creek is over. I watched it from beginning to end and while I know i'm a little older than most of its viewers I couldn't get enough of it. Even now the prospect of next wednesday is overwhelming. And I know it'll just get worse when fall comes and all the other shows are starting up again.
I thought they did a good job with the ending. I cried for most of it. Jen was never my favorite character but over the years i'd become attached to her.
Oh well. Life goes on.
thanks for all those great nights!
::: posted by michele-lee at 2:28 AM
Tuesday, May 13, 2003 :::
i can't make myself leave the house today. Sometimes its just too much to go outside. I know that tomorrow I HAVE TO go out and do errands because there isn't anyone else to do em.
What should i talk about today...I'm feeling down for no particular reason. I was lying in bed last night and i heard a noise. Boy was I ever scared and then I thought there is no way anyone is going to try or even succeed in getting into this house with that little noise when I have a petbull and rotrador lying here.
They are both rescue dogs. Where i live there are pitbulls galore. I think that there are people who use them for unspeakable things here and so there is a lot of backyard breeding. My heart aches for those animals. How it must feel to never have someone on your side. When we found Steep she was sooooo thin and it turned out she was pregnant. She had been dumped in a schoolyard. We found her when we bought our house and we were walking the neighborhood to get a feel for it. There she was in front of the school. I turned to Jonathan and said "i think that is a pitbull; if she comes at you cover your head and neck." She ran at us and then got down and showed us her belly. I felt so bad for her. We took her home with the plan to take her to the aspca. Well they don't adopt out pitbulls.
So she stayed with us.
Three years later she's our baby. Now, I sort of understand the logic of the aspca - with so many dogs in need of homes why take the chance with a pitbull
But I think that if we thought that way throughout society we'd be in big trouble. Every being should be given the chance to prove themselves. Yes sometimes we'll be sorry, but the other option is unthinkable.
Our other baby is a rotrador. He's half labrador and half rottweiller. He was chained to a tree for the first 6 months of his life. When the elderly couple who had him decided to move they were going to leave him with their son who liked to beat him. Luckily a friend of ours stepped in and asked if she could have him.
We took him. We named him Story. He is the sweetest dog ever. And he adores Steep.
And we adore them.
::: posted by michele-lee at 6:26 PM
I was reading a blog from the front page of blogger last night. I laughed . i cried.http://annecentral.blogspot.com/ i know you think i'm being facetious but i'm not. She had me laughing about customers in a bookstore and had me crying over a cat in england.
Its good to know that i can still feel these emotions. sometimes i think that i'm growing a thick skin and i really don't want to. I like my overly sensitive self. I like being conscious of how my actions affect others. My empathy is what guides me in most of my life.
its a feature not a flaw even though sometimes it makes me feel flawed.
::: posted by michele-lee at 12:05 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2003 :::
Mother's Day. A minefield.
I went to a brunch that a friend of my mothers threw together. It was just my mother, myself , this woman and her 3 children. And the woman says "tell me some good stories of your childhood" and for the life of me I couldn't think of ones that don't make us sound like the poster family for disfunctional abusive homes. And while i have no doubt that we are as insane as any family I am certain we aren't off the charts.
and so what i thought of as I was driving home this afternoon is that the sign that my mother was a good mother-a great mother even - is that i felt loved and safe growing up. Sure I could have almost anything I wanted ( and for the most part did thanks to my mother working multiple jobs) but the happy memories that I have of my childhood aren't of specific events or things. They are of everyday experiences like sitting on the beach or listening to mystery theater on the radio lying on our giant bad or watching thriller theater late at night and being creeped out by having a zombie hand come up from the ground. Or talking about the crushes that i had ( and some of them were long lived!) .
Everyday things that we shared and while they don't make good stories they sure do tell the story of a great mother.
::: posted by michele-lee at 5:20 PM
